not smiling is tiring. if ever a stranger’s gaze or glance were to meet mine, everyday, from here on now, I promise to proceed with a kind smile regardless of what I’ll find. serious faces in the train are only okay if they’re sparse and not mine.
I haven’t sung in quite a while.
I’ve lived with not much for so long,I can live with not much for longer.non reciprocation’s residue is a relentless trail of mustful kindness resulting in an ever present guilt(in me).I won’t ever be bored I can but I won’t how could I ever when there’s so many books to get absolutely lost in yet so little time.why do I always yearn to be elsewhere.not that cynical happy doesn’t suit me just fine.I’ll be alright as long as there lives music.pretentious fair weathered friends aren’t as terribly loathsome and disturbingly offensive as daft ones who asks for nothing but favours only.if I’d wanted to come up with project’s concepts and write thesis I’d have continued art school at the cost of losing myself and my head that by now I’ll be passionless, dead.
perhaps when one loses the courage to be bold one finds the courage to be wise instead.odd to come upon a rather sudden realisation that school might just in fact be the thing that taught me how to be myself again.however loathsome a journey it was.all bad things must come to an end.astounding are some of the things I hear myself say to myself in my head.not always.berlin’s calling.dresden frankfurt bremen especially.oh germany.these days it’s anywhere, anywhere but here.today I wanted so much to ask someone, are you happy? the friends I love they’re so far away.I like distance though.it keeps me whole.
out the window earlier today, I contemplated the evening skies clear rid of clouds a sullen blue acquainted by a lone star shining arduously bright waiting to be spotted by the brokenhearted. uncertain grief. guilt and sorrow entwined. such melancholy news of looming death does bring.
New old friends
I got lost
Don’t be upset
Try it again
a poem made up of song titles because my current life is a direct adaptation of a medley of Jeffrey Lewis’ song.they are highly relatable and that’s highly consoling.
hope can be a perilous form of comfort yet consoling it can be.sometimes that’s all one needs.your son who does not always want to come but would quite often ask for money whenever you have some.one out of a million of those curious human tendencies that perturbs me occasionally.forlorn they leave me as life is how it is.I loved you because I let myself did.shadows of trees are so very very incredibly lovely do agree with me please.will betterness drop me a visit or is it harder I have to seek? poetic imagery lyrical dance paintbrush markers pen and colours passing hours less stagnant time’s alive.
If I could nullify last night’s episode off my memory,I would.relentlessly I remind myself that hate won’t ever exist.respect won’t ever cease surely.yet I feel so much anger inside me now it’s uncertain I’ll be able to just dismiss all of it.forgive eventually I will though.as I always have to.as I always do.for you are as a matter of fact the man whose blood runs in me.oh mother how your strength comforts me.
despite some emotional glitches of the past few rather festive days, today has been quietly rewarding in a lot of small wondrous ways. observing everything and nothing in between got me appreciating things I would normally overlook that left me quite strangely gut wrenched, sorrow filled, heavy-hearted. not entirely though. still that lonesome trodden look in her eyes while staying calm and stern did somehow exude what I thought was a sort of grievous resignation to fate not forgiving its cruel tendencies. I wish I was kinder so you’ll feel less alone but I’m not strong I’m not. not enough. I’m not. I’m broken. so are you but god bless you lovely mother torn widow firm believer. and then grandmother. I’d hug you for eternity if time would allow it. and I’d protect you from harm and death we won’t ever be apart. you too grandfather. without father, mother, sister and sister I’d have faltered out of sight the universe would swallow me whole. my relatives we rarely meet. curious human tendencies. its funny how long it took for me to feel a melancholic adoration for some of yous. long lost love risen in silence. awkwardness cured by kindness. smiling is easy it always is. only sometimes we forget. to laugh as well. those gold old photographs comforted me beyond whatever else today. can I inherit them please? at home, screened prejudices resolved with a happy ending so heartwarming I wondered if my heart would stop beating so very gleefully. put me to sleep prolong this feeling. though fleeting it was ended it did. if only. how could you. why would you. nevertheless while fighting fighting fighting. inevitable indeed this fragile bending of hearts. these tear pods relenting. life is as it is. I understand adequately. further and leaving. how could you.
how life does tease. at times offering such tender false hopes. a few days ago at the art supply store, still reeling, refusing to believe it was you till fate would have it that you come waving in gleefully. any possible spontaneous joy I could have felt at once trodden by shameful guilt and that familiar sinking feeling every time our paths meet ever since that confession of sorts. so good to see you's voiced repetitively rather carelessly. it made my heart sing;sink. like indirect conveyed virtual news of an estranged acquaintance I just knew about. how disengaging similar to all these mounting festivity I find quite disconcerting.
I guess what I’m really quite terrified of is a life of mediocrity and monotony adhering to all of society’s normality and conformity.
yesterday was strange.though quiet and learning it was eventually.I don’t think I’d ever want to speak again if conversing means not having the ability to clarify,to put across one’s own thoughts in its most purest of form and state into raw convincing speech.silence has never been so loud and present than ever before.even amidst noise and all of my unsures.it’s painfully comforting though.my courage on a deep slumber somewhere safe.I’ll need to smile more.be bold and kind too.forevermore.
so much I’d like to write but it’s not coming out right.somehow.I should get to sleep but I can’t stop listening to all of this present comforting music.